Pearls of Wisdom........
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.



30 reasons why it's great to be a guy.

1.Your last name stays put.
2.The garage is all yours.
3.Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4.Chocolate is just another snack.
5.You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
6.Car mechanics tell you the truth.
7.The world is your urinal.
8.You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.
9.Same work, more pay.
10.Wrinkles add character.
11.Wedding dress - £2000; tux rental - £65.
12.People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
13.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
14.One mood, ALL the time.
15.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
16.You know stuff about tanks.
17.A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
18.You can open all your own jars.
19.If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
20.Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
21.Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
22.You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
23.You almost never have strap problems in public.
24.You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
25.The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
26.You don't have to shave below your neck.
27.Your belly usually hides your big hips.
28.One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
29.You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
30.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.


The Elephant and the Crocodile

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the jungle, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

"What did you do that for?" asked the crocodile.

The elephant answered, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."

The crocodile said, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."

"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."




The Widow and the Toad

AA widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.

She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the "right one." She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself!

She couldn't believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils, and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around, just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up and threw her a kiss! This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her. Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it hurt?)

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought, "oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!




The Smuggler

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "SAND!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated....

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine."

Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything. What were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, "Bicycles."