Some humour... or is it!

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! Man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2001. Listen up ladies, this is how it REALLY is.....

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat ... if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present ... again.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday = Football. Let it be.
7. Shopping is not a sport.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.
9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectlyacceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
21.If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
29. Do not questionour sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect. The ball's in your court !!!

OK, you asked....

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down to a gym.
You're darn right I am fat, I have had your children and don't get out due to taking care of you and the family!
2. Learn to work the toilet seat ... if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
I guess if you want the thing up...OK but don't be surprised if your toothbrush is wet someday from FALLING IN!
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
I won't cut my hair but if it strangles you in the night or if you start to get hairballs don't be surprised
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present ... again.
Don't worry, you could have never won that contest anyway!
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
We know...and sometimes, you’re just not thinking at all.
6. Sunday = Football. Let it be.
Sunday=shopping. Hand over the checkbook.
7. Shopping is not a sport.
Neither is hunting.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!
Great!
9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
Well if that is how you want it….I mean I don't care but if you want...what ever!
10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
THEN SIT DOWN!!! Failing that, you know where the cleaningsupplies are.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
Touche!
12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
If you are talking in your SLEEP!!!
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
That would be one of those situations you were talking about earlier, where hints don’t work...GIVE ME A MASSAGE!
14. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Nor does your ex-girlfriend have to be ours.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
Check your armpits...that may be the cause of my headache!
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Does this mean you are not going to pester me for sex three times a night anymore?
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
I am sorry but this is just so wrong.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
All that chocolate I eat makes up for the lack of satisfaction you give me.
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
Telling us that they are not airbrushed makes you look delusional.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
And they are better listeners too.
21.If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Good thinking…next time, say it that way.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
This one works both ways, Bub.
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
Whenever possible, please listen to us when we are thoughtful enough to do this very thing, and don’t claim ‘You never told me that!’
24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we wantto discuss the relationship.
Oh, poor baby….if you are tired for 17 months, that is a problem. See a counselor.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
Thanks, I think I will.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
So THAT explains your couch-potato-beer-gut….NOW I understand.
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
Yeah, but you know what ELSE rabbits are known for ;-)
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
Any man whose main menu includes warm beer needs to get a job and a refrigerator. I thought you men were into technology…….
29. Do not question our sense of direction.
What sense of direction??

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night.  We planned to meet at a bar for a
drink.  I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and thought it might
have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, buthe
didn't say anything much about it. 

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.  We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.

I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something
else.  I asked him, and he said no.  But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply
and he just put hisarm around me.  I didn't know what the hell that meant
because you know he didn't say it back or anything. 

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!  So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.  Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed.  Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. 

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.

> I just don't know what to do anymore.  I mean, I really think he's seeing
> someone else.
>
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
>
> The Packers lost.  Got laid though.
>